Same but Not

Things are confusing. Things are weird. They aren’t what they are and they are moving to something new, but I just don’t know what yet. It’s very unsettling.

After 3 weeks off for the surgery in August I took it upon myself to retain my calmer, quieter mind. I continue with the hypno-therapy sleep app that is amazing – and keeping work at work. When the anxiety or work thoughts enter my mind I simply push them away and tell myself that it’s not time for work right now, so I’m not going to think about things. This has helped keep my stress levels down a bit but not always – sometimes thoughts still creep in.

I cannot tell if its the quieter mind that makes me feel slower of mind or just that I really am slower in the mind. I have to admit that I my organization skills weren’t what they were. I think it’s honestly it’s likely more due to age than to the residual chemo effects – but whatever it is, it is very unnerving and annoying. Part of it is that I just cannot remember some things easily – someone tells me there name and 2 seconds later it’s gone (true, this also used to happen a bit but I think it might be worse). Also – at work, I can have entire conversations and if I’m not writing things down nearly verbatim, I will end the conversation and not have the key points clear in my mind. It’s like it is all jumbled up and I stare at the information and have to figure out how to untangle the mess in my brain before I can even move forward and do what needs to be done. It wasn’t like that before. I keep finding myself staring at my computer thinking – what do I do with this? How do I use this information? Where does this piece go?  Probably doesn’t help that we just went through a huge, new brainstorming exercise that just feels so alien to me – I’m so far out of my comfort zone right now with some things at work – that I feel like I’m wandering through a fog, slowly with zero progress and everyone else around me is zipping here and there and is busy, busy busy! and I refuse to be insane and anxiety driven anymore, so I continue to slowly, I would hope methodically (though it just doesn’t happen this way!) keep moving – but instead I feel lost – like a sailor lost at see on a small life raft floating – watching the horizon for land. It’s been very, very frustrating and this feeling has continued for a while. I wish I could shake it but I think, especially at work where it is most prevalent, that I need to just keep going until I come out the other end. Doesn’t help that I have a new boss this year who is the most hands off, cares and provides feedback at the highest levels only and really doesn’t care about the day to day what’s going on. It’s unnerving – to have to continually try to drive myself forward for progress – I respond well (VERY well) to “good job” – “do this” “make sure x,y,z” – etc. and a little pushing and there’s just none of that in the same manner that I’m accustomed to. I email things and they going into some black box and I never get feedback. I follow up different ways in meetings and still, it is like pulling teeth to get more feedback.  Why pull? Why ask? Why communicate so much – If she isn’t going to be as engaged until it suits her whim, I’m not going to push as hard – just not worth it. Should be, but just isn’t. Lost my motivation. It comes and goes but mostly goes these days. Work is work – it’s not engaging it just is. And I kind of miss engaging work. Have to figure out how to get the excitement back. The organization back. There is much to do and I thought this year would be different and well, it has been but just not the way I thought it would be. Shame fests a la Brene Brown are often some weeks. At least thanks to her I recognize them and remind myself that I am worthy and I am enough. Just need to keep saying it. Refocus. Refocus. Move forward. Baby steps. Things are different now and it’s unsettling but if I just keep moving forward eventually I’ll be out of this dratted, F$%^$! up work tunnel I feel like I’m in. And of course – breath – doing much more of this thanks to that nightly hypno/sleep tape.

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